"Love liberates". - Maya Angelou

Dear Niece,


You will feel safe in the presence of true friends. You will be able to open your heart to them, do something nice for them, act silly around them, tell them a secret, count on them. A true friend will never ignore your efforts or put you down in any way. A true friend will have your back. That person will value your time and the time you spend together. If you are not certain if someone is a true friend, first be certain that you are being a true friend to them!  Because, what goes around comes around. Then give them a chance, because people aren't perfect, they can have a bad day or moment. But they must be kind if they are to be your friend.  And if they acknowledge they made a mistake, be quick to forgive, for forgiveness is the cornerstone of all true friendships.  It takes a big person to admit their mistake, so we must honor it with our presence and acceptance. Never fester and stew, never hold a grudge, and never allow someone to be that way with you.


You will either send them love and move on quietly, or you will be happy knowing that your friendship is a healthy one. Toxic friends will be the most important thing to limit in your life. I say limit because people aren't perfect (we are all a work in progress!). There can be jealousy, insecurities, problems that have nothing to do with you. But if this is a lasting thing in the friendship, or if being with that person leaves you feeling sad, drained, confused or overwhelmed, then this is not a healthy friendship. Healthy friendships and relationships are paramount in being healthy yourself!


But of course, you still love that toxic friend, and you may have deemed them special in one way or another. If this is the case, you may still be able to have them in your life. In order to know if you can do this you will need to get clear and write down all the good things about this person. Get really clear about it. After you have made the list, perhaps this is someone who you love to go shopping with? or can grab a coffee with? or you love their sense of humor? Point is, you don't have to spend hours and hours with that person to love them and have them in your life!  


My mother (Grandma Tena) always told me "there are certain kind of friends" and it has taken me all of 50 years to really figure out what she meant!  And it can be a beautiful thing. My sister (hey, she's your mom!) has her "antiquing" friend who she sees just once a year when they go to the Antique Fair.  They reserve that day for each other, and they probably only see each other one more time that entire year, if that!  We may have travel friends, restaurant friends, book friends, clubbing friends, running partners, hiking buddies, classmates, study partners. There are friends who make us laugh, our male friends, and many zany characters in our life. 


There's just one thing to ask yourself about a friend: does contact with your friend or being with them feel liberating or confining? Love liberates, that's the best way to know if your friendship is mostly healthy rather than toxic. But remember your love can liberate them too! We are all on a journey. The question then becomes whether someone journeys with you or not. Their journey through love will continue whether you remain friends or not.


With Love,
Auntie Thea